Vibrations have been steadily pulsing into the main act of the year. I’m exhausted and will continue to be – no rest for the wicked. May has been a busy time between moving, work, and all the misadventures making up the gaps in between. I’ve felt like a man possessed at points, as the body leaves the mind holding on for dear life getting pulled behind.
Getting moved in with Stilly and Brian has been great, with caveats. The house still has a way to go before it really feels like we’ve “moved in” but we’re getting there slowly. It’s a microcosm of my own impatience – you’re never really finished making a house a home, just like you never arrive for long in life. It’s something I’ve had to accept, and will continue to struggle with I’m sure. That’s just life. No matter how much you invest or commit to a career, a relationship, an education, an activity, whatever it may be, you’re only finished when it’s over. There’s no winning, there’s no highest plateau to reach, you just keep climbing until you fall off a cliff. That’s dramatic. This isn’t supposed to be inherently negative, I swear.
This isn’t supposed to be me saying “oh never commit to anything because everything is fleeting” because that’s not true, but it’s also important not to just stick with something because you’re “supposed to” or some sort of sunk cost fallacy. It was hard for me to leave the apartment. I’d spent a lot of time curating it, making it truly into my own space. There was a part of me that felt that because I had spent that time, it would be a waste to just pick up and move, to start over in a sense, to go from a known to an unknown. Love Stilly and Brian, but living with somebody is different than just being friends with them. It’s working out so far.
The move has made me think a lot about this idea of when to stay and when to leave, though. The whole “ships are safest in harbor, but they’re meant for the sea” bullshit of it all. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better with this sort of risk-taking, especially this year. There’s versions of myself in the past I just want to grab by the shoulders and yell at. I don’t do well with sunk costs. I have a certain sense of obligation to people, places, things, causes, whatever I can latch onto, even when it’s not worth it. It’s been a journey recognizing that just because I don’t mind or maybe even enjoy my current situation, it doesn’t mean I should stay, or that there isn’t better.
All this from simply moving, ain’t that just the way. Even though Stilly and Brian aren’t at the house full-time yet, it’s been an adjustment getting used to sharing a space with folks again. It’s been an incredibly social month, which has been a lot of fun, liver notwithstanding, but the introvert in me has been hankering for a good lounging morning like the one I’m having right now. Got my hair cut this morning, nobody said a word, not in a rude way, in a chill way, now I’m in Paix writing this out, and I might walk over to the VMFA after. Self care at its finest.
Still – I love my friends, and I really appreciate that I’ve been able to spend so much time with them this month. It’s been probably the biggest perk of moving so far, I’m closer to the people I enjoy spending time with and I can actually host them in a space bigger than a 1BR apartment. I know, though, that’ll be the issue this time next year. Ideally, in May 2026 I’ll be finishing up grad school, ready for a big next chapter and possibly a big next move. As exciting as that is, it’s impacting my judgement right now.
If I’m going to invest all this time and money into making this house a home, into fine-tuning things exactly as I’d like, should I renew my lease next year and stay in Richmond longer? If I’m not going to renew and move cross country, why bother investing all this time and energy? I’ve spent all this time building this social network in Richmond, getting to know all these wonderful people, wouldn’t it be a waste to just up and leave next year to start over? If I’m going to leave next year, should I even bother with getting too invested in anything or anyone here?
The answer is obvious yet hard to follow. It’s always worth it to care. Things end, and that’s ok. We all have to leave someday. We shouldn’t be afraid to care, to invest, because something will end, and we shouldn’t be afraid to leave because we’ve cared and invested. It’s not sad, and it’s not a waste. It’s not a waste for me to geek out over getting a gear room set up in the house if I’m going to leave next year, because I’ve enjoyed it now, because I’ve learned from it now. That gear room will never really end, because lessons I’ve learned and will continue to learn from it will help inform the next one wherever I may land, and the next one, and the next one. Everything ends, and nothing really ends, as we carry those lessons and truths with us forward. We must imagine Sisyphus happy.
The next few weeks offer no break in the action, though a shift in tone. If the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of domestic adventures, late nights out, early morning climbs, hungover hardware stores, burning on the beach to Brandy, the next few weeks are all about getting out there now that affairs are more or less settled at home. Within a span of two and a half weeks of the beginning of June, I’ll be going on a multi-day paddle trip, a yet to be determined backpacking trip, and then flying out to Seattle and exploring the PNW for a good while. The Type A in me is stressed that I don’t already have an exact itinerary ready, but I have vague concepts of a plan. I’m honestly not sure what to expect. As somebody who likes to know everything, that’s half terrifying and half exciting.
I’ve never been out to the PNW, and it’s been overwhelming figuring out what exactly to do. For the first half of my time out there, I’ll have a pretty set itinerary as I attend REI’s Anderson Award festivities around Seattle. The latter half, though, I have no idea. I’ll be solo, in a place where I know nobody, with no set plan, and little clue what to expect. My only hope is that it doesn’t hold me back. I waste a lot of time when I don’t have a set plan just being paralyzed by options. I’ve felt better about counteracting that, but it’s still a factor to deal with. Part of me hopes I’ll meet some folks in the same boat when I’m in Seattle and end up with some unexpected companions, and part of me just wants to push myself to my maximum limit, dead to society, alive to the world for a few days. I have no clue what’ll happen but I can’t wait to find out and relay it to y’all. Trail by Error on the Greenbriar, Trail by Error on the TBD, and Trail by Error in the Northwest coming soon. Maybe I’ll actually get an email notification thing setup by the time it happens. We’ll see.Vibrations have been steadily pulsing into the main act of the year. I’m exhausted and will continue to be – no rest for the wicked. May has been a busy time between moving, work, and all the misadventures making up the gaps in between. I’ve felt like a man possessed at points, as the body leaves the mind holding on for dear life getting pulled behind.
Getting moved in with Stilly and Brian has been great, with caveats. The house still has a way to go before it really feels like we’ve “moved in” but we’re getting there slowly. It’s a microcosm of my own impatience – you’re never really finished making a house a home, just like you never arrive for long in life. It’s something I’ve had to accept, and will continue to struggle with I’m sure. That’s just life. No matter how much you invest or commit to a career, a relationship, an education, an activity, whatever it may be, you’re only finished when it’s over. There’s no winning, there’s no highest plateau to reach, you just keep climbing until you fall off a cliff. That’s dramatic. This isn’t supposed to be inherently negative, I swear.
This isn’t supposed to be me saying “oh never commit to anything because everything is fleeting” because that’s not true, but it’s also important not to just stick with something because you’re “supposed to” or some sort of sunk cost fallacy. It was hard for me to leave the apartment. I’d spent a lot of time curating it, making it truly into my own space. There was a part of me that felt that because I had spent that time, it would be a waste to just pick up and move, to start over in a sense, to go from a known to an unknown. Love Stilly and Brian, but living with somebody is different than just being friends with them. It’s working out so far.
The move has made me think a lot about this idea of when to stay and when to leave, though. The whole “ships are safest in harbor, but they’re meant for the sea” bullshit of it all. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better with this sort of risk-taking, especially this year. There’s versions of myself in the past I just want to grab by the shoulders and yell at. I don’t do well with sunk costs. I have a certain sense of obligation to people, places, things, causes, whatever I can latch onto, even when it’s not worth it. It’s been a journey recognizing that just because I don’t mind or maybe even enjoy my current situation, it doesn’t mean I should stay, or that there isn’t better.
All this from simply moving, ain’t that just the way. Even though Stilly and Brian aren’t at the house full-time yet, it’s been an adjustment getting used to sharing a space with folks again. It’s been an incredibly social month, which has been a lot of fun, liver notwithstanding, but the introvert in me has been hankering for a good lounging morning like the one I’m having right now. Got my hair cut this morning, nobody said a word, not in a rude way, in a chill way, now I’m in Paix writing this out, and I might walk over to the VMFA after. Self care at its finest.
Still – I love my friends, and I really appreciate that I’ve been able to spend so much time with them this month. It’s been probably the biggest perk of moving so far, I’m closer to the people I enjoy spending time with and I can actually host them in a space bigger than a 1BR apartment. I know, though, that’ll be the issue this time next year. Ideally, in May 2026 I’ll be finishing up grad school, ready for a big next chapter and possibly a big next move. As exciting as that is, it’s impacting my judgement right now.
If I’m going to invest all this time and money into making this house a home, into fine-tuning things exactly as I’d like, should I renew my lease next year and stay in Richmond longer? If I’m not going to renew and move cross country, why bother investing all this time and energy? I’ve spent all this time building this social network in Richmond, getting to know all these wonderful people, wouldn’t it be a waste to just up and leave next year to start over? If I’m going to leave next year, should I even bother with getting too invested in anything or anyone here?
The answer is obvious yet hard to follow. It’s always worth it to care. Things end, and that’s ok. We all have to leave someday. We shouldn’t be afraid to care, to invest, because something will end, and we shouldn’t be afraid to leave because we’ve cared and invested. It’s not sad, and it’s not a waste. It’s not a waste for me to geek out over getting a gear room set up in the house if I’m going to leave next year, because I’ve enjoyed it now, because I’ve learned from it now. That gear room will never really end, because lessons I’ve learned and will continue to learn from it will help inform the next one wherever I may land, and the next one, and the next one. Everything ends, and nothing really ends, as we carry those lessons and truths with us forward. We must imagine Sisyphus happy.
The next few weeks offer no break in the action, though a shift in tone. If the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of domestic adventures, late nights out, early morning climbs, hungover hardware stores, burning on the beach to Brandy, the next few weeks are all about getting out there now that affairs are more or less settled at home. Within a span of two and a half weeks of the beginning of June, I’ll be going on a multi-day paddle trip, a yet to be determined backpacking trip, and then flying out to Seattle and exploring the PNW for a good while. The Type A in me is stressed that I don’t already have an exact itinerary ready, but I have vague concepts of a plan. I’m honestly not sure what to expect. As somebody who likes to know everything, that’s half terrifying and half exciting. Jackson’s Out There.
I’ve never been out to the PNW, and it’s been overwhelming figuring out what exactly to do. For the first half of my time out there, I’ll have a pretty set itinerary as I attend REI’s Anderson Award festivities around Seattle. The latter half, though, I have no idea. I’ll be solo, in a place where I know nobody, with no set plan, and little clue what to expect. My only hope is that it doesn’t hold me back. I waste a lot of time when I don’t have a set plan just being paralyzed by options. I’ve felt better about counteracting that, but it’s still a factor to deal with. Part of me hopes I’ll meet some folks in the same boat when I’m in Seattle and end up with some unexpected companions, and part of me just wants to push myself to my maximum limit, dead to society, alive to the world for a few days. I have no clue what’ll happen but I can’t wait to find out and relay it to y’all. Trail by Error on the Greenbriar, Trail by Error on the TBD, and Trail by Error in the Northwest coming soon. Maybe I’ll actually get an email notification thing setup by the time it happens. We’ll see.
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